The Zodiac Killer is your role model. Your favorite pastime is sipping on an ice cold can of Pure LaCroix after murdering every blonde girl in your sorority. You use your iPhone without a case because you are truly disturbed and have nothing to lose.
You take your shoes and socks off on flights and clap when the plane lands. Your go-to workout shirt says “Your workout is my warmup,” and you call Gatorade flavors by their real name. Probably a cop.
You never forget a birthday and check in with your grandparents on a semi-regular basis. You won’t sign me into that 8am no matter how many times I offer to Venmo you $10. NARC.
Whoever said tangerine is the new orange was seriously disturbed.
You’re not totally sure how to pronounce La Croix but can definitely vouch for “how pretty the cans are”. You were raised in a household of Polar Seltzer and are scared to try different flavors cause, idk, they might kill you or something.
I get that you’re embarrassed to drink soda in public, but I think getting caught with a can of NiCola is arguably worse. I’m impressed that LaCroix was able to bottle the exact taste of a McDonald’s fountain Diet Coke that’s been sitting in a hot car for 5 hours.
If I hear you talking about your semester in Barthelona one more time, I am going to call the cops.
The Snapchat feed is your main source for world news, and you’re still praying that Drake will answer your DMs. Maybe start wearing less and going out more?
You are constantly having an existential crisis because Mercury is in retrograde. And no, don’t get bangs.
One time you lost ‘Odds Are’ and had to drink bong water, and uh, actually kind of liked it.
If you were a character in you would definitely be a part of The Finer Things Club. Conor Kennedy tried grinding on you once, but you willfully declined because you didn’t want Taylor Swift’s sloppy seconds.
Ah, pamplemousse’s annoying vegan cousin. You watched once and won’t shut up about it. Seriously, stop. No one likes the bitch at brunch who makes a hangover worse by scolding others for getting eggs benny. Let me and my hollandaise sauce be.
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