Some Very Specific Crushes I Have On Celebrities

Joe Rogan’s Instagram

The guy I have a crush on but also know his pathological laziness means I would never feel like he really loved me enough and I’d always be unhappy in a relationship with him so I’m going to be best friends with him instead: John Mayer.

The guy I would actually marry because it feels like we would be good partners for each other: Joe Rogan.

The guy I want to have an affair with in a kind of moneyless sugar daddy kind of way: Tom Collichio.

The guy I want to be my ex-boyfriend who thinks about how he lost me and his self-hatred intensifies: Ryan Adams.

The guy I want scientists to study and figure out the science behind making at least one person in every room have a laugh that is as good as his laugh: Seth Rogen.

The guy I want to marry my best friend so that I can be around him in some capacity and also then both our last names will be Rogan/Rogen: Also Seth Rogen.

The adult person I want to have a sexual relationship with but honestly don’t know if that’s legal because it seems like they don’t have the capacity to give consent because they might literally be too stupid: Britney Spears. (Not being mean, just….).

The person I want to whisper in my ear every night that I’m a good person and I’m doing my best and, occasionally, that I “crushed it”: TJ Lavin.

The guy who I am frankly just desperate to tell me he thinks I am smart and deep while also not even being that attracted to and realizing he is at least 40% full of shit in general: Russell Brand.

The guy I just want to hold me sometimes when I’m sad: Chris Tamburello (this is a deep cut).

The guy I want to have an affair with that is basically just cosplay of his movie but also somehow with a happier ending: Chris Messina.

The guy I am furious is not genetically my brother and tied to me via DNA and a sense of familial obligation: Keanu Reeves.

A deceased person I would have liked to have a very tumultuous affair with and then, many decades later, reveal to my grandchildren that I was the inspiration behind some of their art: Anne Sexton and/or Joni Mitchell.

Someone I wish I could tell my parents that I was dating so I could feel like they approve of me: Anderson Cooper.

Someone I wish I could get drunk with for about twelve hours and then hook up with: Shep Rose (I apologize 2 all women for this one).

A guy I am desperate to date solely so that we could become writing partners: Kevin Williamson.

A guy I actually can’t even fantasize about being in a relationship with because it makes me too upset: Mark Cuban.

A guy I want to support financially while he raises my children and sometimes cooks for me: Chris Pratt.

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